What Is Discernment Counseling? A Guide for Couples Facing a Divorce Decision

One spouse has said they aren’t sure they want to stay in the marriage. Right or wrong, the other didn’t even know there was a problem. And now you’re both stuck in a conversation that keeps going in circles, with no clear path forward.

Most couples in this situation understand, at least in the abstract, that it takes two people to create a struggling marriage. But understanding that intellectually is different from feeling it. In practice, each spouse’s attention tends to land much more heavily on what the other person has done — or failed to do. “If only they would get help, we wouldn’t be in this spot.” That thought, in some form, is usually present for both partners.

This is one of the most painful places a couple can find themselves. The uncertainty is exhausting. The stakes feel impossibly high. And ordinary couples therapy doesn’t quite fit, because you haven’t agreed on what you’re working toward.

That’s exactly what Discernment Counseling is designed for.

The Problem Discernment Counseling Solves

Most couples therapy assumes both partners want to stay married and improve the relationship. The work is built on that shared goal.

But what happens when that shared goal doesn’t exist? When one spouse is seriously considering leaving, and the other is still holding on? Jumping straight into couples therapy in that situation often backfires. The “leaning out” spouse goes through the motions without real investment. The “leaning in” spouse hopes the sessions will change their partner’s mind. Neither gets what they actually need.

Discernment Counseling addresses a different question entirely: Should we try to repair this marriage, or is divorce the right path? And if we do decide to save the marriage, what is it that we are each doing to make that possible?

It’s not therapy for your relationship. It’s a structured process to help you each gain enough clarity to make a decision you can stand behind — whatever that decision turns out to be, and the important and precise effort you can choose to make, regardless of the path you choose.

What Discernment Counseling Is Not

Before going further, it’s worth clearing up the most common misunderstanding.

A Discernment Counselor will not tell you whether to stay or go.

That’s not the role, and it wouldn’t be appropriate if it were. No one outside your marriage has the full picture of what you’ve been through, what you’ve tried, or what matters most to each of you. The decision belongs to you.

What a Discernment Counselor does do is help each of you think more clearly — about your own role in the relationship’s problems, about what a genuine attempt at repair would actually look like, and about whether you’re making this decision from a place of clarity or from a place of pain, fear, or exhaustion.

The goal is a decision made with open eyes, not a reaction made in crisis.

Who Discernment Counseling Is For

Discernment Counseling is designed specifically for couples where there is what therapists call “mixed agendas” — one partner is considering divorce, and the other is not, or the two partners are at very different levels of certainty.

You might be a good fit if:

•       Your spouse is considering a divorce, or may even have asked for one, and you’re not in the same place

•       You’re the one considering leaving, but you’re not fully certain

•       You’ve tried couples therapy before and it didn’t work, or the changes didn't stick

•       You feel stuck — unable to move forward together, but not ready to separate

•       A crisis (an affair, a major conflict, a breaking point) has forced the question into the open

It’s worth noting that Discernment Counseling is not designed for couples where both partners are fully committed to working on the marriage. If you’re both in, couples therapy is the right next step. Discernment Counseling is for the harder situation — where that commitment isn’t yet there, or isn’t shared.

How the Process Works

Discernment Counseling follows a specific structure developed at the University of Minnesota. It typically runs for up to five sessions, and the format is deliberately different from standard couples therapy.

The First Session

The first session is longer — typically about two hours. It begins with both partners together, then moves into individual time with each spouse separately, and closes with a brief joint check-in.

This structure matters. The individual time gives each person a chance to speak freely — about their experience of the marriage, about their uncertainty, about what they’re hoping for — without the dynamic that often takes over when couples talk about these things together.

By the end of the first session, you’ll have a clearer sense of whether Discernment Counseling is the right fit and what the path forward might look like.

Sessions Two Through Five

Subsequent sessions typically run about 90–120 minutes. They follow the same pattern: a joint opening, individual meetings with each spouse followed by summaries for the other spouse, and a joint closing.

In the individual portions, the work goes deeper. Each spouse is helped to look honestly at their own contribution to the relationship’s problems — not to assign blame, but because genuine clarity requires it. The “leaning out” spouse is helped to examine whether their conclusion is based on a clear-eyed assessment or on accumulated pain that has never been addressed. The “leaning in” spouse is helped to understand what a real change would require, and whether they’re prepared to do that work.

The joint portions are not conflict resolution sessions. They’re not the place to relitigate old arguments. Instead, they’re structured to help both partners understand where the other actually stands — often more clearly than they have in years.

The Three Paths

At the end of the Discernment Counseling process, which may come at any of the five sessions, couples choose one of three paths:

1.    Stay the course — no major changes for now

2.    Commit to a time-limited couples therapy process — with a genuine, good-faith effort to repair the marriage. This may be a last-ditch attempt to save the marriage, so it’s important that it be different than previous, failed attempts at couples therapy

3.    Separate or divorce — with as much thoughtfulness and clarity as possible

Whatever path is chosen, the decision is made with more information than either spouse had at the start. That’s the point. Discernment Counseling doesn’t manufacture a particular outcome — it creates the conditions for a genuine one.

Why This Structure Works

The alternating format — joint sessions with individual time built in — does something that purely joint sessions can’t.

In joint sessions alone, couples often fall back into familiar dynamics. The same arguments surface. Defenses go up. One partner shuts down while the other escalates. The individual time interrupts that pattern. It gives each person a space to think out loud without performing for their spouse or reacting to them.

It also allows the counselor to work with each person on something couples therapy typically can’t address directly: each partner’s own contribution to how the marriage got here. This isn’t about fault. It’s about the reality that clarity about a marriage requires honest self-reflection, and that’s hard to do when you’re sitting across from the person you’re in conflict with.

A Note on Timing

One of the most common things couples say after completing Discernment Counseling — regardless of which path they choose — is that they wish they had done it sooner.

When one spouse raises the possibility of divorce, the other often responds with panic, pressure, or a flood of promises to change. That reaction is understandable. But it rarely leads anywhere useful, and it can push the other spouse further away.

Discernment Counseling creates a structured pause. Instead of escalating or shutting down, both partners have a defined process to move through — one that’s designed to produce clarity, not just more conflict.

If your marriage is at a crossroads, earlier is almost always better than later.

What to Expect If You Reach Out

If you contact MN Relationship Repair to ask about Discernment Counseling, here’s what happens:

We’ll start with a brief phone consultation — usually 20 to 30 minutes. This isn’t a sales call. It’s a chance to hear what’s going on, answer your questions, and make sure Discernment Counseling actually fits your situation. If it doesn’t, I’ll tell you that and point you toward what might be a better fit.

If it seems like a good match, we’ll schedule the first session. Both spouses need to be willing to attend, though they don’t need to be equally certain or equally motivated. You don’t need to agree on what you’re hoping for — the process is designed for exactly that kind of difference.

Sessions are available in person in Woodbury, MN and via telehealth throughout Minnesota.

The first session will likely be the most clarifying conversation about your marriage you’ve had in a long time. Not because it resolves anything — but because it creates space for each of you to finally say what’s true, and to hear what’s true for your spouse.

That’s where clarity starts.

Brian Burns, MS, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Woodbury, MN, specializing in Discernment Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Collaborative Divorce Coaching. To learn more or schedule a consultation, visit mnrelationshiprepair.com